Thanksgiving day parade
In the words of the military dad from American Beauty;

...This country is going straight to hell.

I'm sure a number of you simply think I'm being melodramatic, and I guess as time progresses, that's only going to get worse. In reality, it will only get worse in proportion to the degree that the country actually is approaching hell. I, of course, do not mean the sort of nonsense like 'the devil is forbidden in this town' or something like that, I mean that we're approaching a time when we'll be enslaved and misused by violent domestic elements, and we'll deserve it because we're weak and stupid. The thanksgiving day parade of 2003 will someday serve as a monument to our weakness.

To start with, though not chronologically first, we have the seminal failure of our society. All the nobility and strength the people of the United States ever displayed in the Civil War, or World War II has been completely irradicated and replaced with carebear like inanity and the lip-service semblance of honor that only a modern-army brainwashed geek can manage, or the false courage of religious belief that we so despise in our enemies. In what can only be a monument to our lost pride as a country, several balloons themed after the late Charles Shultz' 'Peanuts' characters were flying. Now, I don't know, maybe I'm outside my fucking mind, but isn't the central and representative character of Peanuts Snoopy? He's the one who always did the interesting stuff. He's the one who changed from being a normal puppy to a dynamic and interesting character. In short snoopy was idealistic, moral, and imaginative. He was a winner, in as much as he didn't become despondent when he failed, but was defiant and persistent. So who floats above the streets in new york? Charlie fucking brown. The biggest loser in american literature is gracing the skies of, what is, for all intents and purposes, our Imperial capital. Planes couldn't have hit a more worthy target.

Charlie Brown is a loser, and he's not to be idolized, he's to be derided. It's funny when bad things happen to him because he's a fucking weakling. He's mediocre in every conceivable way, and to make matters worse he's a coward and an idiot. He is a shill. But according to the asshole announcers, he's the character that america loves. I sincerely hope that I was not the only one who said 'that's bullshit' out loud when they heard that gem.

But he was by no means the first sign of despair. That came when darling children of ages 6-8 or so were interviewed for a commercial break about whether they could spell 'Thanksgiving'. Two kids working together managed to spell 'thanksv'. The montage of idiocy then wandered through other kids, many of whom were thankful for stupid things, and several of whom also could not spell. Finally they found a little girl with missing teeth who spelled it correctly, but clearly wasn't sure of herself. What an embarrassment. Festivities are times to display your best, not your worst. Human beings do not celebrate their frailty or their mediocrity, unless they're Jewish--they celebrate their strengths. When I was a kid, they would have taught ALL of us how to spell thanksgiving (which takes all of what... 3 minutes?) and then only shown quotes from those of us who were big enough suck-ups to say stupid shit like 'I'm thankful for this nice school that teaches me how to spell thanksgiving correctly so that I don't embarrass myself, my parents, my city, and my country on television.'

But the kids aren't the only ones who are moronic. The color commentators drop a delightful little gem about one of the balloons. One particular shapeless mass that is vaguely human is wearing a fireman's hat. We're informed that this balloon is actually fairly old and has worn different hats depending on the thanksgiving theme they wished to show. Nevermind that it's still a fireman theme 2 years after a building collapsed and killed enough in one place that we noticed they had a dangerous job, but the comment that follows is priceless:
if you use your imagination, you can picture him wearing different hats
Not only is this mongoloid set of instructions for picturing something using your brain ineffective, but it's insulting, and reveals a fundamental lack of mental horsepower in the person saying it. See, we're not just a nation of uneducated children, we'red a nation of idiotic adults--adults who, despite being in a HIGHLY visible position and employment that should necessitate a certain level of wit, are completely unable to to fathom the notion that... yes... EVERYONE can picture something with a different hat, and those who can't are living below the genetic poverty line.

This episode is merely the grotesque hiccup in a long march of horrible things. Barney shows up, reminding us that the death of Henson senior was the death of creative programming for children. Sure, big bird shows up along with a sesame street float to show that the legacy lives, but on the side of said float is a series of phrases in other languages. Well gee, why don't we just concentrate on making sure the little fucks learn ENGLISH first. That way, when they get to high school and have a chance to study a language, they'll actually know their own well enough to understand another. Also, pikachu shouldn't float over an american crowd unless the japanese have invaded and this is one of their cruel hideous weapons. I think it's nice that kids have something fun to play with, I appreciate that some people think the pokemon games are remarkably deep and interesting. But you should have the good sense to notice that it's another mindless japanese fad, that even japanese people look down on as moronic and confusing. Seriously, cute animals shooting electricity has been done. It's time to stop buying this crap so that we can put what little creativity we have left into a piece of art that preserves and strengthens our culture--it doesn't have to be a mindless propaganda piece--which seem to be popular these days, it merely needs to be something like what henson originally created: spark a child's imagination, and provide a forum for teaching each other about all the wonderful things that come from the combined heritage of humanity. A lizard that shoots water out of canons on its back isn't nearly as cool as a big stuffed mammoth talking about music. We've had countless movies on the subject of teaching kids without boring the shit out of them--why can't we muster anything better than bright colors and shapeless animals that operate at an Attention Deficit Disorder speed without regard to the fundamentals of establishing an understanding of society in those who watch it?

The taste of adults has reached an all time low. Another brilliant color commentator moment was when Stupid Guy made note of some uninspiring characters walking in the parade imitating some ancient comic or something that I'd never heard of, but which is probably insipid--because most of the cartoons from the early days of cartooning were insipid. His brave attempt at relevance is;
kids don't even realize, but some of you who've been watching a while know these are great
Oh gosh yes, and the reason the kids don't realize is because they've been raised on video games, and not because those characters are stupid and boring.

Here's my true meaning of thanksgiving moment; the first thanksgiving was declared by Lincoln during the civil war to celebrate the fact that there was still a union, though no one new how long it would last. Any thoughts on why, since then, its meaning has been distorted and changed to become a lie about the first contact between the English and native americans? Because people in this country used to be really clever. Sweep a massive civil war under the rug, and go ahead and spin the situation with the mysteriously diminished native population while you're at it--kill two birds with one stone. These days, we can't kill one bird... with a bazooka. Even if we shoot twice.


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